Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
