I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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