It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
