The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
