just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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