I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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