I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
No more Irish car bombs ever.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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