Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
