that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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