hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
