its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I enjoy the company of your penis
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