My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
