I want to make a zoo with you.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
