I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
