So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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