I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
