its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
