white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
