your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
