the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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