Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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