Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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