so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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