mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
