we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
