You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
