I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
