I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
