Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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