I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
