my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
