I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize