Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
