Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
