Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
