girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
