if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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