I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
organizing the empties. That sober.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i think i just lost a toe
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
