The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
