We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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