just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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