my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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