We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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