You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It was like getting head from an anaconda
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
