Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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