i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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