take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize