his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
