awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
