The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
