I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
