Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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