Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
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