people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
