I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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