i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
