The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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