Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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