I hate your face
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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