He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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