Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
