coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
