Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
