it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
