Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
